the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
