They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
