It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
