life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
