hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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