Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
