I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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