She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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