I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
