Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
