he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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