You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
