I wish I could teleport
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
