We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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