and next time when you feel me up, do it right
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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