i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
