zippers are such a cool invention
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
