David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
