i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
