I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
