I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
