about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Send help, water and tortillas.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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