finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
