my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she smelled like a LAN party
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
