During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
