she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Randomize
