I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
