3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
