Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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