Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
