It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
