You're so nebulous sometimes
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it was like eating out sand paper
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
