If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
