I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize