K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
wrigley field is MILF paradise
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
