i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
