I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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