i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
