Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
