somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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