His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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