I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
