I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
