I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
