I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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