his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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