he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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