Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize