Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
