Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
this just has baby written all over it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
