I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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