Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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