so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
