so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
