I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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