I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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