I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
